Dear Orthodontist,

I find it really REALLY hard to believe that I have one of the worst bites you've ever seen.  I mean, you haven't even been to bed with me.

Love,
Adrienne

Dear Lady at Dollar Store,

Did you seriously just ask how much that soap costs?  Really, for real, like in total seriousness?  Cuz if so, then you might be the dumbest ( Read more... )

Dear Uterus,
     Settle.  THE FUCK.  down.
Love,
Adrienne

Dear New Jersey,
     When did you become a rain forest?  Just wonderin'.
Love,
Adrienne

As I was entering the gym this morning, a guy was coming out, visibly struggling with the door.

Guy: They really should put in electric doors here!  These weigh 100 pounds each, at least!
Me: Bark!

Yes I actually barked.  You know that laugh that just explodes out of you before you have a chance to do anything to control it?  Well, that's what came ( Read more... )

I'm on Day 3 of what appears to be the flu.

Dear Flu,
   Please, either go away or kill me quickly.
Love,
Adrienne

Dear Mother Nature,
     You have been granted a temporary reprieve.
Love,
Adrienne

How many?1-Monday2-Tuesday3-Wednesday4-Thursday
WHAT.

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Dear Dairy,

You bitch.

Love,
Adrienne

PS. I hate you.

Dear Uterus,
     In case you have failed to notice: We are done with the baby-making.  We have produced two unusually large and boisterous humans, remember?  I'm sure you also must have noticed about 10 months ago when a surgeon cut off half my stomach and sewed up all the muscles surrounding you.  That was called a tummy tuck.  WE ARE DONE WITH ( Read more... )